10 reasons you MUST vote

-Source-Chicago Tribune- 1) If you dont vote your chances of being eaten by a bear increase 12000 percent. Thats just a basic biological fact. The bodies of people who dont vote are incapable of producing the hormone grrrrristol a natural bear repellent. Vote or a bear will probably kill you. 2) If you vote I will come to your house and mow your lawn every weekend next summer. This will include weed whacking and intricate hedge sculpting. I can transform your boxwoods into any Star Wars character including three versions of Han Solo: traditional Han Solo; Han Solo in Hoth (the ice planet) gear; and Han Solo frozen in carbonite. 3) Researchers at the Mayo Clinic found that people who dont vote suffer from extreme and potentially fatal flatulence. You dont want to die of extreme flatulence do you? 4) If you take your I Voted" sticker to any bank the teller is constitutionally required to give you $500. Thats Civics 101. Google it. 5) Ghosts tend to avoid people who vote. (Vampires as well.) 6) Voting is the only way to come into possession of J.R.R. Tolkiens mythical One Ring which will give you dominion over the free peoples of the Midwest (referred to in his books as Middle Earth"). As it says in The Fellowship of the Ring" on Page 2356: One vote to rule them all one vote to find them if you dont vote you will literally be cast into the fires of Mount Doom. And thats gonna suck. Just ask Gollum." Your choice is clear.